Staring into the face of my inner dragons… no more!
18th September 2020Tweet
I hope to find you well this Friday.
Personally, I’m doing good but those who know me a little better are probably also aware that I have squared up against my own dragons for some time how, trying to justify the issues in my heart with the knowledge in my head.
In an ideal world, they’d marry up, but in mine they haven’t for a while…
Not a problem – usually – yet it nevertheless spiralled into one when it began to affect my home life, but let me start at the begining…ish.
Heart vs head? This imbalance was at play for nearly two year. I did not want to listen to my head. Yet much like the illustration – I was poised in my tower, wanting to stay put to protect my ‘life’ and passion, but I could also still hear the dragon clawing closer, my heard whispering to get my @ss in gear for peace of mind and respect for what our household needed. (Okay, that is probably NOT what this art is about lol, but with some imagination you get metaphor, right?)
Now, today, I’ve done it. I stared down the dragon and climbed onboard for a ride! It took me too long, I know. Yet a very tiny part of me weirdly still wishes that I had left it be, but anyway… to fill you in: I guess I started thinking about this battle ‘in’ me around the end of 2019 – but it was to take the COVID situation to really push me; to really stop my ‘procrastination’. But my, oh my… ‘hot off the press’ I can now report that three hours ago I was officially informed that I am now firmly astride the dragon! Yay!
Yet, I am still trying to process how I feel about that. I mean… I know how I’m supposed to feel about it, and I know how I want to feel about it, but sometimes I’m too complex for my own good.
So what’s this news, I hear you ask?
Well, like a real person in the real world, I have now got… A JOB!
Yup, and it’s a big thing because I have not had a job like this for over 10 years! Not since I gave up my teaching/NVQ assessing to become a stay at home mum due to the logistical mightmare it became to work FT, pay for childcare, and be a ‘single’ mum when my hubby was away for weeks on end through his work.
At the time it was the right thing to do. With just one parent between us (Who is now sadly passed away) and no actual support network bar what we could beg, steal and borrow from friends and fairy godparents, I/we were often stone knackered and not really able to do things that many others took for granted. I.e. simple things, like going to the gym or the bar with friends. But how amazing just the same, right?
I know I’ve been privileged to have this time to bring up my own two kids. I know I’ve been privileged to dive into writing, which also helped me forge a part of me that wasn’t all nappies and crying babies, so don’t get me wrong. This is not a complaint or a whine – just a statement of facts and the reason why I was so long getting back into looking for work.
But kids DO grow up. And though ours are not fully grown, we were now at the point where the world, finances, and my sense of self demanded that I should try to get out there again. And I cannot lie. Earning a wage would/will be nice. (?In case you wondered, writing books is fab; it’s my love and passion – but it does not pay the bills. At least… not yet. Example, Sell 1 eBook @ 99c = payment for author of around 36c).
Anyway… as mentioned above, my half-asked pursuit of ‘real work’ started with a new years resolution. I had to get work. A REAL job. I knew this in my head. But did I truly WANT one?
Nah… in truth, not really.
Hey, analysing my own reluctance, I have come to the conclusion that I felt shy and introverted after 10 years away from ‘people’. But it was more than that too, because after 10 years ‘away’, I was also living my dream: writing fantasy.
What would/will getting a job do to this? I currently guard my allotted writing time like a jealous lover – but this will now not only be split with my new work; my job will also take priority, undoubtedly also adding a new layer of physical activity that may find me drawn to the telly rather than the computer.
But, a necessity, it cannot be any different. I want to make both aspects work. I want my heart and head to finally find peace and balance, so I am celebrating nonetheless because… well heck! I am fortunate. I have a JOB!!!
Somehow this was a hurdle that I needed to jump. Fear of losing the part I’d made for myself during my 10 years ‘off’ – and which now defines me as a person – was a deciding factor linked to my reluctance in the first place. It took me a while to figure that one out, and it was an emotion fuelled by my lack of ability to imagine that I’d have much to offer an employer in comparison to a younger applicant (glad to be wrong!!).
Well, if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, the road to dragon riding must be made of Excuses! I honestly really had to push myself to do the right thing here. I could quite easily have stayed in my tower, so to speak – but oddly (and please don’t laugh) this small/huge step has actually made me feel a little like my character, Princess Iambre, in that she doesn’t always relish what she needs to do, but she knows what is right and understands to overcome her own reluctance to do what is expected and necessary, even when the person asking is herself! (Yeah right???)?
So somehow, weirdly, I did it! The impossible happened. Today I was offered a job. Which I am actually really REALLY happy about, because inside I KNOW it is good for me any my family; I know that I will enjoy having colleagues and face-to-face interaction with people again.
A writers life can be lonely. I enjoy this too but now that I’m on the wing, so to speak, I know I can make this work. Because I want to. Cheers!
Have a great weekend all! .
NB The greatest obstacle to achievement is often yourself – now don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. ??
I love fantasy art and feel incredibly inspired by it. I believe credit for the fantastic art goes to Anne Stokes – one of my favorite artists. Please check out her work!